This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
