Soap is not a condiment
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
