On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
