mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
