There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
