better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
