Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
