fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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