i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize