goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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