Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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