Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He passed out mid-signature
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Drake has all the answers
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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