Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
