we made out on top of his cat.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
