i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
