I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
