: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
