If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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