Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
