Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
