her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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