When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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