Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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