I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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