It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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