Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
