Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
