i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
