Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
