Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i drank out of a bidet.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
