last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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