Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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