was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
