Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We're too hungover to prance.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
