cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
