Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
