You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
