it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
