dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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