Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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