ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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