I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
