she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
