You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
