Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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