meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
