how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
