the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
