i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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