i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
