I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
